Mess

I can't be alone. I have to be distracted.

My mind immediately goes to him, and his family, and everything they're going through.

I was just talking with him, joking around with him, only a few days ago. Now he's in a hospital bed, unconscious with serious brain damage, and doctors not knowing when, or ever if, he'll wake back up.

I know he's going to wake back up. He has to.

But when I sit here, alone with my mind, it begins to wonder and creates a million different possibilities. All of which cause me to cringe and cry out.

He's such a good guy. Such a good friend. He's always so positive and pushing us to do our best. I can't even comprehend the fact that he now lies, in a coma, in a hospital bed. How?

He's going to wake up. He's got too much spirit, too much love.

It's the not knowing when that's killing me.

Listening

Listening to... Electric Twist by A Fine Frenzy. I love her. My sister introduced me to her and I don't think I'm ever turning back ever. I love all of her songs and her voice and the style of the music. One song can be soothing and touching, and the other I can dance and sing at the top of my lungs to. Perfect combination of everything.

Not a lot has happened. I'm in college. Definitely an experience. I loved it the first few weeks. I met so many new people. I was in this euphoric stage of "Oh my gosh, if this is just the beginning, I am going to love the rest of college"... False. College isn't just the social life. There's also this academic sense to it. Who knew? I'm disappointed with myself and my lack of self-discipline. I love making new friends. People who I get along with so well. I would rather focus my life on meeting new people and enhancing my relationships than do stupid, repetitive homework.

All in all, I think I just need better self discipline. And it's hard. It's really hard. I constantly criticize myself for not working hard enough, not studying hard enough. Yet I always end up to resorting to something else. Why? Why do I do this to myself? Why am I such a freaking.. failure? It's harsh, but honestly that's how I feel sometimes. I want my parents to be proud of me. I want to make the best of my college experience, and not take my mind for granted. I want to learn everything I possibly can... but I don't. And it sucks.

But seriously. Why am I complaining? I beat myself up for this also. I have it so good. I am so, so, so extremely blessed. Why am I complaining about college and boys and my parents when there are thousands people in Haiti suffering because of an unpredicted earthquake. Thousands of people missing a spouse, a daughter, a son, a father, a mother, an uncle, an aunt... Thousands of people, lost, lonely, scared, suffering... in need of so much, yet receiving so little. And here I have it so good. My heart yearns to help these people. Honestly... I wish I could just comprehend a piece of what they're going through. But I can't. I've never experienced the loss of a close family member. I've never watched a family member die because of a lack of medical attention. I've never been without a home. I've never been without a mother and father. I've never been alone...

Honestly, I wish I could just take my college tuition and give it all to relief efforts toward Haiti. I wish I could go there myself and care for the children who are without parents; care for the parents who lost their children. I want to love these people who have lost so much.

God, help us all.

Bologna!

Listening to... Half Life by Imogen Heap. It's off her new album and it is amazing! I love her voice... I love her music! Each song has something special to offer and I absolutely loove it.

Ok well basically. Here comes the brute. I just need to yell at someone and I don't want to bore someone to tears with my rambling emotions so I am just going to post them here. Enjoy.

I hate her. I take that back. I don't hate her, I just strongly dislike her. I have no idea what he saw in her. She's nice and all.. it's just after a while it gets really old and annoying. Fake!

I need to move out. And I get to! Saturday is the big day which brings me to another point. College. Holy %#7^@&!^8. I can't believe it's here already. I'm excited, but really nervous at the same time. Mostly nervous though. My anxiety is getting to the best of me and its really stressing me out. I'm scared I am going to get to my senior year having absolutely no idea what I want to do and feel I went to college (my parents donating most of their well earned money for me to do so) for no reason. I hate it. I guess all in all, I really just need to trust in God and pray that He will guide me the way I need to go. As of right not, just get the required classes out of the way. But that risk will always be in the back of my mind.

And finally. Bologna. I HATE BOLOGNA! And not the fake meat kind. The kind that my friends.... good friends that I have had for years... try to feed me! I don't fall for that crap and they should know me better than that! "I don't want you to feel left out". Bull... shit... If you don't want to go, you can tell me you don't want to go. I am not going to sob myself to sleep just because you canceled out on a small event. I understand! But the fact that you used me to get you to cancel just shows how full of crap you are! I meet new people all the time! I'm not some coward who is going to hide in the corner rather than meet new people! And you know that too. You just don't want to take the blame for canceling. So who's the coward now?

I'm done with his crap. I'm done with allowing the bad things to be erased because he smiles at me. I need him out of my head. I need to face reality and not be blinded by hope. I need to find a place without him. A place to breathe! A place to be me.

Listening to...

Strawberry Swing (live) by Coldplay. Honestly, there is no band better than Coldplay. They make music; true music that I can dance, sing, cry, and laugh to. On my list of top ten things to do before I die, seeing them live is in the top five. I love them!

So much has been on my mind recently. Just when I thought I was finally getting a handle on things, everything changes and I'm back to being extremely confused and lost. I don't know what to do. 

There's this guy. The guy I wanted to ask out to coffee. Well, turns out he asked me, and it was perfect. He was sweet, we talked a lot. We had fun. But honestly, I don't think I'm ready. Something is holding me back. I don't think I'm ready for a relationship at this point in my life and I don't know why. I figured I would be, but my heart is telling me otherwise. 

I don't know what to tell him. I feel like such an idiot. I'm so angry with myself for doing this to him, but at the same time I don't want to lie to him. I don't want to continue this relationship, making him think I feel something when in reality, I don't. 

I'm lost. 

Listening to...

The Fear by Lily Allen. It's catchy and I like her voice. Not much to it other than that. 

My dad is married. It's official. For his 50th birthday, I wrote him the most honest letter I have ever written anyone. I told him I loved him, respected him, but didn't want to lose him. He told me I wouldn't lose him, but I feel like I already have. 

I feel replaced. 

I'm no longer his main concern. His concentration is always with her and rarely with me. They have their fun times together while I stay behind. Those used to be our fun times. They've been replaced. 

I'm hurt. And I'm lost. 

I've lost a father and gained a newly wed man. 

My friend told me her mom is waiting to marry her boyfriend until she moves out. I wish my dad could've done the same. But instead, he's going to spend his time with his new wife rather than with his daughter who will be moving away from home in the next 5 months. 

Thanks for the memories. 

Listening

to... The Heartache Can Wait by Brandi Carlisle. Whenever Brandi sings, she sings with such intensity and belief behind the words she's singing. She's an amazing artist who I absolutely love, and this Christmas song of hers makes me love her even more (the harmony... makes me melt); So listen to it with a warm cup of hot chocolate and enjoy.

Now to the point of this blog:

Everybody goes through shit. It could be a bad break up, a divorce, a family member dying, anything. Everybody goes through shit. However, there is a difference in how people respond to this. They can either take it as it is and be emotional when they need to, but still have fun with friends and family. 

Then there's the people who take it out on their friends. Say things to their friends no person should ever say to another. Rather then talking to their friends and asking for their support, you try to relieve your pain by making them feel some of it. Friends can't be happy when you're feeling down. 

Friends are supporters, not punch bags. When you go through shit, friends are there to listen and support you. Not to listen to you call them annoying or immature. 

We all go through tough stuff. You may only think of your current situation, but always remember that your friends go through a lot too. Remember how they treat you when they go through it also because I doubt it's as harsh as how you treat them. 

You said some things last night that hurt me. And the fact that you weren't joking when you said them hurt me even more. Even if you were joking, they crossed the line. It really sucks to have you as a friend. You who I have offered endless support for and talked to you through the tough times. It really sucks that you saying those things to me is how you repay me. 

Listening

to... My Beloved Monster by Eels. 

I love this song. Of all the songs of the world, this song is by far my favorite. There's nothing about this song I don't like. The lyrics, the voice, the music. Everything. The Eels are an amazing, talented band.

Today was a great day. I went to church, heard my Uncle speak on the right way to be thankful during this Thanksgiving (and in general I guess). Humbly. I really felt that one tug because I feel like I haven't been as thankful as I should be. I shouldn't thank God for the things I have. For the stuff that I have such as my car, my bed, or my house. I should thank Him for loving me the way he does. For having such mercy and love for me, despite the fact I sin. God is so amazing. God is good. I would truly be lost and empty without Him. He keeps me strong through these struggling times, and optimistic when I'm feeling down. His forgiveness and love... It's indescribable. It's amazing. 

I really feel like through everything, I just need to go with the flow. Life may have a tendency to suck, but I feel like I just need to remain optimistic. If things don't happen, things don't happen. If things happen, things happen. Just deal with it the day it happens, then let the next day be a new day. Never let something hold you back from who you really are. Not a divorce, not a boy/girl, not a bad friend, not anything. Be yourself, and be happy. I believe the happiest moments in life are those when you truly find yourself. 

My friends have been amazing. I love my friends so much with all the support they have offered me. The times I find myself truly laughing are the times I spend with them. 

I'm ready to be happy, and live in the moment. Not regret the past or be overly optimistic about the future. Carpe diem.